hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
last night we watched this really loud chick try and pick up this smoking french guy who's english was sooo bad. she finally pointed at her beer and then her vagine
gross
like you've never done an interperative dance for sex, please
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Randomize
