So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
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