I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇