Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
