at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
I think my moral compass just broke
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Randomize
