Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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