so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Randomize
