im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
Randomize
