just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
