she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
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