After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
