Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
my shit smells like andre
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
Randomize
