hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
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