If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
I'm really busy with my period
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