Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
Randomize
