he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
Hippo gnu deer
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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