She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
idk if ive ever seen a picture of him on facebook with his pants on
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
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