i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
That's when you crack a 10am beer
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
It was then that he suggested we all nibble ears. A nibble circle.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
Randomize
