Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
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