I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
Would you even take no as an answer? I have a feeling you see it more as a challenge.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
Randomize
