I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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