I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
I watched one of the videos of you hanging from the rafters, and it is both violent and sexual in nature.
Randomize
