I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
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