she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
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