I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
Legal advice please. Can you sue someone for jerking off to photos of you?
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
