I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
Randomize
