when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
I dont know it just seems wrong to fuck her on my exes back porch
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
Randomize
