I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
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