so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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