Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
Use "feeling words"
Yay
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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