Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
its summer. and we all know college gfs do not count in summer.
college gfs dont count ever. theyre like getting corn rows in jamaica. you feel cool at the time. then you go home and people make fun of you.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
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