You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
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