we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Randomize
