There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
Randomize
