Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
Redeem this text for a blowjob
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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