come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
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