dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Randomize
