can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
Randomize
