Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize
