your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
addddeeerrraaaallll.
ok i'm not sure if that was a success statement or a cry for help.
U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Randomize
