didnt we say no more talking to eachother
it will help you get over me i promise
im horny
ok i will unlock the door
i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
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