you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
Randomize
