I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
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