I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
His legs actually look hot in that dress. He might even make a better girl than Josh
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
Randomize