a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
Normal people don't sit around and watch Degrassi for twelve hours...
FUCK YOU.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
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