life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
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