I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
Randomize
