Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
No I am not eating basil off your cock
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
