I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
I feel great
I just peed on a car
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
