Hey I found your number in my phone i dont remember how we met this is richard btw
strange i dont have your number must have been a drunk thing
could be more
absolutely not
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
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