just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
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