If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
New drinking game: drink every time the guy whose room we are in is creepy
enjoy the hospital
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
