I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Randomize
