Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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