Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
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