this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
Sooo i'm debating posing nude for the drawing and painting classes, I just wanna see if they draw my nip ring.
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
Randomize
