Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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