Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
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