Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
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